sun set at 1:08 AM

Face the reality!

I'm not sure if anyone can see or notice that i'm undergoing a tremedous stress period. I dunno that i am so vunerable and is so easily hurt by words. I tend to show that i dun take those to heart...but now i realise...it is rooted deep inside my heart. Thats y most of the time its only when after the thing has happen and after a few days then i reflect and react on it. But most of the time will ended up telling myself nevermind, juz go on n forget about it.
I know that i'm not good at expressing my feeling to anyone as i cant feel the security and also it has been me for so long to bottom up everything. i remember i wrote on a previous entry that i'm trying to open up myself, dun take in everything, learn to let go. I can say...its very hard!
I'm pretty touched yesterday after a chat wif my lady boss which she asked another 2 colleagues to stay on too. She asked if i'm ok and because previously i mentioned that i felt left out in my dept, dunno if there is any improvement or not. Well, i felt that stress make me super sensitive to what others say or act. In turn it impacts on me in a way which i cant see! She actually said i shd not bottom up, if need to tok, can tok to them. "Learn to love yourself" she says. Haha...this was what Sok told me too:) Also not to be so self-centred and take in (should i say absorb) everything as i will burst 1 day eventually.....
Learning to address the stress that i'm having is important. But finding the root cause to this is even more crucial. I dunno if its due to family? Work? Peers? I DON'T KNOW?!
I remembered last week i was meeting the gals. As i was early, so i shop shop around 1st. I was pretty stunned that i felt like an empty soul walking in the crowd! My mind was blank....i was telling them jokingly abt it when i met them.....but dunno if it caught any of them as i was quite shocked myself when i thought abt it again. i am never in this state before, am i ok!!! Its juz like losing my control at work and suddenly felt depressed and helpless, then cried. This happened twice.
Lady boss quoted something like that anything that happened to us is not something we cannot handle, all things happen because it is to be managed and for us to overcome and dealt with. So now i am sitting here typing this entry, reflecting on my happenings and behaviors.
Looking back at my entries....since when did my blog started to sound so full of unhappiness....
Something happen to my Dad recently...his legs are weak and have difficulties walking or standing without much support. I must say i do fear this to happen. i do not know how to handle my emotion on this matter. i know i tend to escape and try not to face the problem and juz let it lie there. But this is something i can't avoid. Mum told me to take leave on friday to help tend the store. I tried toking to mum that since Dad is unwell, and there is no helper to help tend the store, y not close it for a few days then. i can't be always be taking leave if Dad's condition does not improve and i can say it is a long run. Moreover, mum also not in good health. Do you now how much it hurts me when she says i dun care abt them. If i tell them to rest will they listen? Do they care what i said? They will always gimme their 101 reasons. Mum says i dun communicate with her.....seeing her back from work already so tired, of coz i let her rest, read some books n sleep rite. They dun even know i'm in a struggle with my emotions.
There was once i broke out in tears when i was back home for lunch during their off day( they off only bcoz market requires cleaning n governement make them not to open store) on my work day, my mum juz laughed at me say i'm silly. I have been suppressing all this emotion and only reveal to myself when i totally cannot take it anymore by crying. Even crying is in silent.....swallowing most of it....then tell myself, after waking up from sleep, everything still will go on. Life still goes on.....
I can put up a strong front but juz as suddenly, the tears in my eyes juz flows.... am i going out of control? Whats causing all this?? Super bad feeling..........
I dun like people to see thru me as i feel insecure therefore i tend to coverup with my front that i'm ok.....but now i think i'm too weak to even put up the front....is this change a part of opening up myself? In order to go further not only in work but also in life, i know i have to overcome this.
But i dunno how.............................................................................