sun set at 1:53 AM

Am i not doing enough????

Finally gonna write something here, it has been quite a while that i wanted to start writing, but well..the beginning of the year really turns me off quite a bit or should i say quite a fair bit haha. Well...as usually...it is in the past already.
Sudden thots flowing in my mind recently..which seens weighing too much on me.. How much do i understand myself and have i let others understand me???? Have i always been seen as able to laugh things off even in difficult times? Am i always portraying myself as a person of no worries?! Is it wrong to want to see everyone happy when @ outings? Is it stupid to conceal my thoughts and give myself no room to breath? Is it wrong to not bother others with your problems when u know that they are troubled or busy too? Am i being too positive and even to the extend of insensitive?!
I'm sorry if my insensitivity have hurt any of you....
All these questions are in me and i have not been facing it as each day passed. I know that i have a tendency to avoid situations. (I should really thank my boss. Every since i joined this company, i experienced a lot of organising and self-development. I started to see my weakness and recognising them thus working on them to improve myself.) In order to overcome them also takes time. Whether people are seeing it or not, i'm trying. You know, if i get negative response for 2-3 times...i'll shut off myself. How would one feel if you are rejected and dejected? I can say i'm not as strong as i may look ok! How much sorrow i have been bottling up, only i know. if you say its me who have not been taking the initiative to start the ball rolling, then have you thot of how weary i am to all this already?
Do anyone understand how insecure i feel? It takes me a long time to ponder on all this questions and eventually blogging it up. I admit i do not have the courage to speak up but i'm pushing myself to do so.
Recently have not been feeling too well...in terms of work and health. Its not that i wanna keep everything to myself but its my inner-self that have been keeping for so long ah! That results in don't know how to deal with it when ask to try speak up and be more initiative! Its not that I'm not trying...I'm trying very hard to share my problems.
Sometimes it is really depressing at work and i would choose to draw myself away and do other stuff to distract myself like playing game or sleeping. There is a period of time that when i got home from work, i'll skip my meal and sleep. My mind is so mentally drained but i know that if i dun catch this nap, i'll make myself even more tired into the nite till 3+ to make myself really super tired then sleep, like now. I tried sleeping early like 1am...but tossing and turning keeps my brain even more active, and smetimes i'll just cry until i fall asleep. That's y most of the time i'll just get up and do some reading or surfing till i cannot take it. Its not that i wanna stay up so late, but its that i juz cant sleep... is it stress or my subconscious? Miraculously when i was in japan, i can sleep ard 12+ s'pore time. Was it becoz of the weather and stress lvl?
Ever since i got more responsibility at work and the limitation i can do, really drained my everyday. I know its a challenge but I started to hate organising because i was so tired of scheduling. So when it comes to meet-outs, i'll not wanna plan it. But well...who can understand how i feel and what i face?
I'm blessed in the sense that my manager is quite concern and i'm able to speak up and share my problems with her. One thing she is right about: Mental stress is more torturing then physical..
Now my mind is blank and tired. Who can spare me of this mental stress. The job itself is ok, but dealing with people is straining. Have been doing some read-ups on people management, hope some light will come into the picture. Company is starting on branding, i'm quite looking forward to it^^ Hope to see gradual change.
Going to sleep le..........gonna be one more day then to weekend!!!!